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Life Isn’t Fair.

i feel like i’m being tested. i took for granted how amazing my life used to be and these are the consequences i have to deal with. i’ve been stripped of every good thing i ever had, i’ve hit rock bottom and i can’t seem to find a way out. i just can’t bare to feel like this anymore, i really can’t. i’m yearning for the happiness i was composed of, longing for the person i used to be. praying hasn’t gotten me anywhere and i don’t know what other option i have left. i just want the one golden answer to all my questions. what is wrong with me? why do i feel this way? what did i do to deserve all this? when will it all end? i’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired. and tired is a drastic understatement. i feel like a 90 year old woman on her death bed every single day of my life. i’ve been drained of all the energy in my body, i feel like i’m dying a slow and painful death. but why, that’s all i want to know. what is making me feel like such a tired, lifeless zombie? if the doctors told me i have cancer, i honestly at this point wouldn’t mind- it would just give me peace of mind to know what’s causing all these symptoms. i’m seething with self-blame and hatred, because i know i’ve done this to myself. and that’s what gets to me the most. all i can think about is the person i used to be that everyone knew and loved, how much i want to be her again, and dealing with the painful realization of the fact that she’s dead and gone.

i can’t go on like this much longer, it’s already been far too long, and i’m beginning to think this is never ending.

i’ve learned my lesson. please lord help me, give me answers, and allow me to heal myself from whatever illness has overcome me.


at this point i’m just a ticking time bomb, and i don’t know how much longer i can live like this.

Welp…

it’s been a while since i’ve posted anything on here. and i kinda want to start getting in the habit of posting all my feelings n shit so i can look back and reflect on it later in life. first and foremost, let me just say how sick to fucking death i am of being used by guys. that is all.

me: mom can you come in my room for a minute i wanna tell you something
"mother": no. i’m goin to bed i don’t got time.
me: it’ll only take a minute it’s kind of important i just wanna talk please?
"mother": i don’t care whatever it is i’m sure it’s not even important
me: thanks for attempting to bond for 60 seconds before you go to sleep since that’s so much more important than me.
"mother": whatever

actually it was important you stupid pathetic fucking excuse for a mother. i can not fucking stand you. the only time you talk to me is when you put me down and tell me how much of a piece of shit, worthless daughter i am. why do i even bother being nice to you. just remember, karma is a bitch. and in the future when you’re old and dying crying for me to help you, i’m going to remember how horrible you’ve treated me my whole life, and i’ll be sure to let you know how much of a piece of shit, worthless mother you were, and that whatever help you need isn’t "important". sleep tight.

what kind of mother tells their recovering anorexic daughter to stop eating so much? bitch you should be glad i’m incorporating more food into my diet. first i’m not eating enough, now i’m eating “too much”. i hardly call two slices of cheese and a pickle “too much”…. make up your fucking mind. nothing is ever good enough for you. it’s no wonder i developed the disorder in the first place.